by Derek Sivers, Buy it here

Summary

Belief generates emotion which generates action1, but what you believe is not true. Adopt a useful belief that generates the emotion which impels the action that you need now to reach your ultimate destination.

Your actions are what define you. Nothing else does. Not what you think about yourself or your actions. Not what you think others think about you or your actions. Not what others tell you that they think about you or your actions.

Your emotions are what generated those actions. You act based on emotions and rarely on facts. Emotions are key. They are born from thoughts you’ve inherited and from ones you’ve adopted over the years. Beliefs.

Reframe your inherited thoughts and adopted thoughts so you produce emotions that generate actions you need right now. Produce new thoughts if your current ones are not useful.

Reframe, generate usefully, not factually.

Your thoughts are not true, and mostly what people say is not true, so look for thoughts that can become useful beliefs that generate useful emotions which generate useful actions for your current quest.

Questions

How about if we want to reframe a harmful belief, but as we try to do so, we react negatively? e.g. psychological suffering or negative psychosomatic responses. What if we want to adopt a new useful belief, but we also react this way?

Notes

What does it mean be to be true? Any creature or machine could observe it and agree that what they’re seeing is true. Objectively true. 0 doubt. Even democrats and republicans could agree on it.

So not-true is not necessarily false or wrong. It’s just saying that this is one option of the possibilities or perspectives. It’s saying that the paragraph above does not apply.

So what? Well, this is a powerful notion because now you may assume a point of view that you know is not objectively and absolutely true, but you also know that it is not false nor wrong. It’s just the option that serves you best right now. You can assume things that are not true without any guilt or reservation. This is powerfully pragmatic.

First part of the book…almost nothing anyone says, including myself is true.

  • Almost nothing you say is true.
    • You’re not wrong, it’s just not the only answer or view.
    • What time is it? Remember time zones.
    • Christmas is in winter.
    • Water swirls clockwise.
    • I love dancing with her.
  • You focus on one angle of the whole picture.
    • You have a narrow window through which you see the world. You work with that information.
    • My mom abandoned me in childhood (my expectation was that she be present). She says she was working hard to pay my tuition.
    • A photo of a smiling group. Another one of same group, but frowning. Are these people happy? Which fact do I want to use for my purpose?
  • Your brain makes up explanations.
    • Think of all the major life decisions you’ve made. Were all the explanations made up? Yikes. But that means, you can pick explanations that serve you.
    • She said no because she doesn’t like this song.
    • Split brain experiments. Why did you open the window?
  • You perspectives feel like a fact.
    • A cat is a pet. Your friends agree so must be true. A mouse disagrees. Neither can see it any other way.
    • My dad had no love for me.
    • Sibling fights. I’m right. They’re wrong. I can prove it.
  • Your certain future is just a prediction.
    • Even if it feels 100% real.
    • From $100 to $(all your savings & investments), how much are you willing to bet that this future will become true?
    • If I quit my job and start my own company, I’ll be happier. How much to bet?
    • I’m feeling tired now and thinking that I need to relax to recover is not a guarantee. Maybe relaxing is not the answer. How much to bet?
  • Your thoughts are theories, open for improvement.
    • Proposal to be proved and to be improved upon as you move forward.
    • A scientist laughed really hard when I said science is true. Newton -> Einstein -> Quantum physics.
  • Your memories are mostly lies. Your past is mostly constructed.
    • Space shuttle explosion experiment. 3 years later.
    • A false memory over time grows into a hard fact in my mind. And it feels more real and more serious. And most memories are false.
  • You got used to thinking of rules, obligations and cultural norms as true.
    • Rules were most likely set right before lunch break so people can leave. Or probably as a knee jerk reaction after a disaster.
    • Rules are not true, they’re a starting point of how the game looks like now.
    • Always ask, who’s this obligation or norm serving? Who’s problem is it solving? Who is getting disappointed that I’m not taking their wish as my command?
    • You must take care of your aging parents.
    • You must always open the door for your date.
    • As a man, you should always pay the bill.

All of the above applies to you and to me. It’s just easier to believe when it’s about other people.

What incentives made my beliefs useful? Or are making my current beliefs useful. Watch out for belonging, laziness and impatience.

We need to hear almost all statements spoken to us preambled with: From my limited point of view, based only on what I’ve experienced… Remember this when with friends.

I need to internally preamble my statements with: From my limited point of view, based only on what I’ve experienced… Remember this when with friends.

When someone is speaking to us, they are usually doing it through two channels, an emotional channel and a factual channel. We need to listen for both.

Feelings are important, but we need to be able to separate the emotion from the dry facts. What’s left after the dry facts are taken out, are the perspectives and meanings. Now we know what’s true and what’s not-true and can respond accordingly.

I and others bond over meanings and perspectives. Not over facts. You can see the power of meanings and perspectives even if they’re not-true, which they’re most likely not.

It feels like almost nothing is true or can’t be known absolutely. Shit. Should I give up and stay in my room? An alternative is to ask, what am I going to do about it if it’s true? How about if it’s false? OK, now which one of those actions I take would serve me better? Then do it. But if the answer is I’m doing nothing about it, then forget it.

That’s what [the above] part of the book was about. Distrust limitations. Strip away interpretations to see the few actual facts. We’re held back not by raw facts, but by the meanings we give them.

Held back is one of the possibilities. We also bond and flourish with not-true beliefs.

Second part of the book…My thoughts are not true:

  • I am the one who is strange.
    • Whenever I see stereotypes, I look with scorn at them. A lazy friend barely doing anything productive. A workaholic friend never having time for himself. But then, the look at people’s faces when I tell them how I lead my own life is evidence of my limited perspective.
    • How do I get to the other side of the river?
    • I like your accent.
  • I can’t trust my own mind.
    • When you find out that your mind is tricking you, you can accept it, change your view and move on with more humility and less confidence.
    • Alternatively, you can defend your current view and double down on it and dismiss the facts.
    • Remember Neo in the Matrix.
  • I can re-edit my mind’s movies.
    • Replay your own past, but use different angles so the re-edit gives you the lesson you need or closure. Your memory and history are not-true anyway. So re-edit them to your advantage.
    • Watch out, re-edits could be harmful: I know someone that caused me harm by not keeping their word. Some time after we’ve reconciled, he brought up the past events completely re-edited to sound like we both were complicit in what took place. I pointed out the facts to him and he was taken aback and agreed with me. He subconsciously re-edited the past so he could cope with it. But he lost the lesson in doing so. Maybe he wasn’t ready to deal with it yet?
    • But also, almost everyone re-edits their stories. If you get stuck on the true facts while folks around you are using useful re-edits, who’s benefiting more? Probably them. Don’t be a hater sticking to facts just because they are true.
    • 500 Days of Summer
  • I inherited normalized habits & beliefs.
    • Many of my behaviors are due to inherited beliefs. Many of which are not-true. Some are serving me well while others are limiting.
    • How can I take a behavior or belief or habit out to be reframed then re-adopt or throw out?
    • Upside down painting.
  • I think of my beliefs as fact.
    • They help me create an identity or perspective which allow me to take action. They also make it easier to belong to groups that have similar beliefs. They’re very utilitarian.
    • They become a problem when I start to see them as reality. Almost all beliefs are not-true (remember definition of true above). I can’t assume a belief is true because I believe in it.
    • An easy way to tell that what I’m saying (or someone else) is a belief and not a fact (yet) is when I preamble it with “I believe…” Otherwise, I wouldn’t need to because it’s objectively true.
    • Whenever I defend a belief emotionally, I’m probably saying that my identity depends on this. It doesn’t mean it’s true, otherwise, there would be no reason to get emotional because all I have to do is look at the fact.
    • Remember Galileo

Your first thought is an obstacle. You need to get past it. Outsmart it. Try to get to third thought.

Your instinct never goes away. But let your wisdom have the final say.

Remember how the congruent lines look incongruent? Our instinct is right sometimes, but we need to bring in wisdom when the situation calls for it. First thought is one of many thoughts. Wisdom is to pick the right thought.

But if a spider jumps on your arm, don’t wait for wisdom.

When out in nature, deep in a forest, we’re surrounding our senses with reality. My not-true thoughts, rules, norms, obligations, money, past, future, expectations, fears, stories, all disappear into the background. We’re faced with what’s real and distanced away from what’s not. They all disappear.

Go into nature regularly to gain distance and perspective, then come back into the constructed world to play.

Third part of the book is how useful no-true ideas can serve us.

Useful? Let’s define “useful” as whatever ultimately helps you do what you need to do, be who you want to be, or feel at peace. The word “ultimately” is there as a reminder of long-term consequences. …

There’s a balance here. A useful belief now might be hurtful in the future. Also useful does not mean pain free or comfortable. It could be the opposite, a useful belief might be proper to be painful in order to prevent you from repeating a certain behavior. e.g you overpaid on taxes due to a technicality that could have easily been avoided.

Useful not true ideas:

  • Beware of truth, use it carefully (my favorite chapter page 70)
    • Ask yourself why you want the truth. What do you plan to do with it? What’s the real outcome?
    • You might be better off with a not-true meaning that serves your current quest.
    • Most emotions can’t be persuaded with facts.
    • You can gather raw facts, but there are infinite facts, so you select and filter and interpret them. Like cotton plants or sheep’s wool, facts are processed before they’re used. Is that seeking the truth? Or just material for a story?
    • Maybe you’re making a big decision. You want to feel well-informed and certain. But that’s an emotional state unrelated to the facts. You’ll ignore a mountain of evidence if you hear one good story against it or just feel yourself leaning the other way. Most emotions can’t be persuaded.
    • You need to feel good about your choices. Emotion decides. Facts rationalize. You’ll find whatever truth is useful.
  • Curve into the target
    • When a belief or behavior is not serving your quest, correcting it might not be enough. You might need to over-correct in order to achieve what you want.
    • The overcorrected thought is most likely not-true, but it’s useful. Or fine tune it until it is useful.
    • Are you shy around new people? Assume the belief that you’re an extreme extrovert and you want to try and tone it down. How would you behave around new people? Maybe just say hi so you don’t overtake the discussion?
    • Bowling example. Aim left to hit center when aiming center is curving left.
  • Ideas and beliefs are tools. Choose them for the desired effect
    • Wrong question: which belief is true or right?
    • Right question: Which belief leads to the action I need now.
    • Beliefs create emotion. Emotion creates action. Choose a belief for the right action.
    • Run faster? Imagine lion behind you. Run motivated? Imagine pot of gold ahead. Run correctly? Imagine hot coals under your feet.
    • Make your own belief cocktail: You don’t need to decide which one is right. You can use one meaning to get you out of bed, and another to sleep well at night. Which meaning leads to the actions you need now?
    • Remember Igor Stravinsky’s, time metaphor. He uses it to separate and combine different philosophies (perspectives).
  • True is the enemy of useful (Perfect is the enemy of good)
    • Choose ideas that serve you. Forget the messenger. They’re probably flawed or are batshit crazy politically. (don’t throw the baby with bathwater)
    • Examples of useful ways of thinking of things:
      • Are you more inspired to think you’ve arrived? Or you’re more excited to think that you have a long way to go?
      • Can people be trusted by default? Or everyone should be distrusted by default?
      • Do you like to think your life is shaped by destiny or by chance?
    • Which of the above and all other stories you choose to believe help you do what you need to do or be who you want to be or feel at peace? Use them.
    • Although these ideas and beliefs are not true, their effect on you is. Belief -> Emotion -> Action. Which means I must drop beliefs that don’t serve me anymore. And adopt others that generate required emotion for the desired action.
    • The perfect tool or belief or perspective is not useful. Use a pragmatic one. e.g. This reframe doesn’t solve all my problems well. It just solves this problem and only temporarily and that’s perfectly ok. For now.

Always remember that meaning is coming from you. It’s your projection. It’s almost never true. Even obvious ones like a ceiling is to stop the rain. A ceiling is to provide shelter. These are your meanings. A ceiling is a ceiling. It has no meaning on its own. The meaning is internal not external. Choose the ones that serve you.

Beliefs exist to guide your actions. If you’re not acting in alignment with your beliefs, you’ve missed the point of beliefs.

Beliefs -> Emotions -> Action.

Fourth part is about reframing…

How do we reframe beliefs that are not useful anymore? Especially deeply held beliefs that are hindering our chosen quest?

When faced with a challenge…

Explore many different ways of looking at your situation — finding perspectives you’d never considered before. If you don’t choose your perspectives then you leave them up to mood, manipulation, or your worst impulses. Control your thoughts or be controlled.

This is not easy, but…

First understand the structure of challenges

  1. Something happens. The challenge is revealed.
  2. Get past your first emotional reaction, your default belief. (hardest part)
  3. Consider other ways of looking at it.
  4. Pick one that feels empowering or useful.
  5. It shapes how you feel and what you’ll do.

In #2 think a different way and you’ll feel a different way. You choose your reaction. Not the first one, but the next. This is hard because it’s usually your default. It’s what you’ve trained your brain to do for ages. But now you’re reframing. So you need to wait for your brain to process the default. Your default include other people’s judgements, values, and meanings which are also inside of you, but you can replace these with your own.

To change, reach past what comes naturally. Avoid your defaults. Get guidance outside of yourself. Use a different tool. How To Live book is oblique strategies.

In #3 Your mind has a lot of trash, and often tells you there’s no way out of your situation — there’s nothing great about this. But if you decide that there is, you’ll keep looking until you find it. Keep looking until you find something useful. For example:

  • You seem to be locked in a jail cell. But if you know there’s actually a secret exit, you’ll look harder, pushing and pulling everything until you find
  • You know there’s diamond in the humongous trash bag that you’re holding. You’ll sift through the disgusting stuff until you find it.
  • Use what you learned from jigsaw puzzles. Start with the edges. Come up with extreme and ridiculous ideas that you’d never actually do, but are good for inspiration and finding the middle.

In #4, it makes you get up of your chair and excited. Remember, fear is a form of excitement.

Traits of useful perspectives:

  • Direct: Go directly for what I really want, instead of using other means to get there. What do I really want? And what’s the point of that? Am I keeping a job just to feel secure? Getting a university degree for the status? Starting a business for the freedom? Instead, find a more efficient path to the real end result.
  • Energizing: Inspires to get immediate action.
  • Self-reliant: It’s about the process, not the outcome.
  • Balancing: Prioritize what’s been neglected.
  • Selfless: “Useful” means for them and the greater good.
  • Selfish: Protect the goose.
  • Lucid & lasting: Coming from a good state of mind, not angry, hurt, envious, or upset — not even ecstatically happy. Is it good in a few weeks as it is now?
  • Test first: then commit after a few tests.
  • Healthy: Ask my idealized highest self how to think of this.
  • Long-term: In the big picture of my whole life, this is just a phase. Keep my eyes on the horizon. Short-term discomfort or pain can bring a deeply fulfilling reward. Serve the future.
  • Compensating for bias and prejudice: curved bowling

Oblique thinking stories:

  • Silver medalist vs. bronze medalist
  • Guess my secret number between 1 and 100
  • Two Japanese people in Brazil
  • No one leaves a bad relationship
  • NOLA’s funerals

Next section is about adopting what works for you now…Read this in its entirety when you need it. Notes don’t do it justice.

There are infinite choices. You don’t even know what they all are. A good choice is one that you actively choose. It’s always going to be wrong. It’s not for your friends or family or anyone else. It’s not even for your future or past. It’s only for you, and only for now. So commit once you’ve chosen. Not for future self in the sense that future self will have another choice, but this choice should benefit future self in some capacity, otherwise, we wouldn’t have chosen it.

Remember the queen’s explorer and the her leader. After you’ve spent time in explorer mode, taking in information, dabbling and ending up with a some good options, you need to decide which option to choose and then switch to leader mode. There’s a point where you need to stop taking in information and switch to leading yourself.

In leader mode you stop considering other viewpoints. Stop changing the course. Pick a destination and cut off other options. “Here’s where I’m going. Here’s why. Here’s how. Let’s go.” If you keep switching, you’ll have to start over like the computer whose parameters you just changed. Instead, you need to be like the queen’s leader, on course, no matter what. Hedgehog, not fox.

People who tell me they are lost and running in circles have one thing in common: They say they keep listening to podcasts, reading books, watching videos, doing courses — taking in more and more information — and still don’t know what to do.

Private journal to:

  • Strengthen the idea. Here’s how this will help me now. Here’s how it will help me in the future.
  • Clarify it. Here’s how I’d explain it to others.
  • Plan it. Here’s how I’m going about it.
  • Picture it. Here’s how I’ll look like when I’ve made progress. Here’s how my identity will change.
  • Prepare for setbacks. This are the obstacles that will probably come up.

Talk to your friends to solidify your choice. We know ourselves through others. If a lot of people say you have nice eyes, then you must have nice eyes. Useful not true.

Once you decide, act right away. Take the first step. Especially for non destructive decisions. For destructive ones, sleep on them for a while. Start the momentum and then build it up. Look at your Plan it section in your journal for steps if you’re confused. Make sure there’s an accounting aspect to your actions. If you’re in a vacuum how will you know real progress is made and not imaginary progress. People need to be involved. Involve the right people in your work and ask them to hold you accountable. This could be in the form of regular calls, competitions or group gathering to show your work. Look for kind, not nice feedback.

You have to tune the guitar every time your play it. Otherwise it’ll sound bad and discourages you from playing. You will get off course when leading your quest and when you do, go back to your journal, update the Prepare for Setbacks section and fine tune to get back on course.

Doing is being. Your internal dialogue and self image might not match what you are doing. But what you are doing is what’s real. Your actions are what’s real. Remember, your thoughts are not true. Almost all what people say is not true. Ideas can be reframed to serve you. Once you’ve picked your choice, don’t be a dabbler. Go all in with the assumption that you are. Don’t place imaginary milestones that create an illusion of progress. i.e. Don’t buy your won bullshit with fake progress.

Heaven is probably the original reframing and maybe the first of useful no-true thoughts because death is the earliest of terrifying true facts. Death of a person, a relationship or a pet; some people avoid these connections in order to avoid the pain. But what if we were to reframe these into she went to heaven, no one leaves a bad relationship or they’re at peace? Reframe death as the source of fire under your feet that pushes you forward to get shit done before you’re in the grave.

  1. in addition to actions, they generate psychosomatic responses, like general body pain, noxiousness, stomach tightness, lowers immune response. So improving beliefs through reframing has additional effects to the desired actions. ↩