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Summary

I’ve decided to take notes in the first person here to see how I’m reacting to the ideas in this book.

Notes

What does it mean be to be true? Any creature or machine could observe it and agree that what they’re seeing is true. Objectively true. 0 doubt. Even democrats and republicans could agree on it.

So not-true is not necessarily false or wrong. It’s just saying that this is one option of the possibilities or perspectives. It’s saying that the paragraph above does not apply.

So what? Well, this is a powerful notion because now you may assume a point of view that you know is not objectively and absolutely true, but you also know that it is not false nor wrong. It’s just the option that serves you best right now. You can assume things that are not true without any guilt or reservation. This is powerfully pragmatic.

I, Nash,

  • Almost nothing I say is true.
    • I’m not wrong, it’s just not the only answer or view.
    • What time is it? Remember time zones.
    • Christmas is in winter.
    • Water swirls clockwise.
    • I love dancing with her.
  • I focus on one angle of the whole picture.
    • I have a narrow window through which I see the world. I work with that information.
    • My mom abandoned me in childhood (my expectation was that she be present). She says she was working hard to pay my tuition.
    • A photo of a smiling group. Another one of same group, but frowning. Are these people happy? Which fact do I want to use for my purpose?
  • My brain makes up explanations.
    • Think of all the major life decisions I’ve made. Were all the explanations made up? Yikes. But that means, I can pick explanations that serve me.
    • She said no because she doesn’t like this song.
    • Split brain experiments. Why did you open the window?
  • My perspective feels like a fact.
    • A cat is a pet. Your friends agree so must be true. A mouse disagrees. Neither can see it any other way.
    • My dad had no love for me.
  • My certain future is just a prediction.
    • Even if it feels 100% real.
    • From $100 to $(all my savings), how much am I willing to bet that this future will become true?
    • If I quit my job and start my own company, I’ll be happier. How much to bet?
    • I’m feeling tired now and thinking that I need to relax to recover is not a guarantee. Maybe relaxing is not the answer. How much to bet?
  • My thoughts are theories, open for improvement.
    • Proposal to be proved and to be improved upon as I move forward.
    • A scientist laughed really hard when I said science is true. Newton -> Einstein -> Quantum physics.
  • My memories are a mostly lies. My past is mostly constructed.
    • Space shuttle explosion experiment. 3 years later.
    • A false memory over time grows into a hard fact in my mind. And it feels more real and more serious. And most memories are false.
  • Got used to thinking of rules, obligations and cultural norms are true1.
    • Rules were most likely set right before lunch break so people can leave. Or probably as a knee jerk reaction after a disaster.
    • Rules are not true, they’re a starting point of how the game looks like now.
    • Always ask, who’s this obligation or norm serving? Who’s problem is it solving? Who is getting disappointed that I’m not taking their wish as my command?
    • You must take care of your aging parents.
    • You must always open the door for your date.
    • As a man, you should always pay the bill.

All of the above also apply to everyone I know. I wrote them in the first person to see how I react, but author wrote them in the third person.

What incentives made my beliefs useful? Or are making my current beliefs useful. Watch out for belonging, laziness and impatience.

We need to hear almost all statements spoken to us preambled with: From my limited point of view, based only on what I’ve experienced… Remember this when with friends.

I need to internally preamble my statements with: From my limited point of view, based only on what I’ve experienced… Remember this when with friends.

When someone is speaking to us, they are usually doing it through two channels, an emotional channel and a factual channel. We need to listen for both.

Feelings are important, but we need to be able to separate the emotion from the dry facts. What’s left after the dry facts are taken out are the perspectives and meanings. Now we know what’s true and what’s not-true and can respond accordingly.

I and others bond over meanings and perspectives. Not over facts. You can see the power of meanings and perspectives even if they’re not-true, which they’re most likely not.

It feels like almost nothing is true or can’t be known absolutely. Shit. Should I give up and stay in my room? An alternative is to ask, what am I going to do about it if it’s true? How about if it’s false? OK, now which one of those actions I take would serve me better? Then do it. But if the answer is I’m doing nothing about it, then forget it.

That’s what [the above] part of the book was about. Distrust limitations. Strip away interpretations to see the few actual facts. We’re held back not by raw facts, but by the meanings we give them.

Held back is one of the possibilities. We also bond and flourish with not-true beliefs.

Second part of the book…

My thoughts are not true:

  • I am the one who is strange.
    • Whenever I see stereotypes, I look with scorn at them. A lazy friend barely doing anything productive. A workaholic friend never having time for himself. But then, the look at people’s faces when I tell them how I lead my own life is evidence of my limited perspective.
    • How do I get to the other side of the river?
    • I like your accent.
  • I can’t trust my own mind.
    • When you find out that your mind is tricking you, you can accept it, change your view and move on with more humility and less confidence.
    • Alternatively, you can defend your current view and double down on it and dismiss the facts.
    • *Remember Neo in the Matrix.
  • I can re-edit my mind’s movies.
    • Replay your own past, but use different angles so the re-edit gives you the lesson you need or closure. Your memory and history are not-true anyway. So re-edit them to your advantage.
    • Watch out, re-edits could be harmful: I know someone that caused me harm by not keeping their word. Some time after we’ve reconciled, he brought up the past events completely re-edited to sound like we both were complicit in what took place. I pointed out the facts to him and he was taken aback and agreed with me. He subconsciously re-edited the past so he could cope with it. But he lost the lesson in doing so. Maybe he wasn’t ready to deal with it yet?
    • But also, almost everyone re-edits their stories. If you get stuck on the true facts while folks around you are using useful re-edits, who’s benefiting more? Probably them. Don’t be a hater sticking to facts just because they are true.
    • 500 Days of Summer
  • I inherited normalized habits & beliefs.
    • Many of my behaviors are due to inherited beliefs. Many of which are not-true. Some are serving me well while others are limiting.
    • How can I take a behavior or belief or habit out to be reframed then re-adopt or throw out?
    • Upside down painting.
  • I think of my beliefs as fact.
    • They help me create an identity or perspective which allow me to take action. They also make it easier to belong to groups that have similar beliefs. They’re very utilitarian.
    • They become a problem when I start to see them as reality. Almost all beliefs are not-true (remember definition of true above). I can’t assume a belief is true because I believe in it.
    • An easy way to tell that what I’m saying (or someone else) is a belief and not a fact (yet) is when I preamble it with “I believe…” Otherwise, I wouldn’t need to because it’s objectively true.
    • Whenever I defend a belief emotionally, I’m probably saying that my identity depends on this. It doesn’t mean it’s true, otherwise, there would be no reason to get emotional because all I have to do is look at the fact.
    • Remember Galileo

Your first thought is an obstacle. You need to get past it. Outsmart it.

Your instinct never goes away. But let your wisdom have the final say.

Remember how the congruent lines look incongruent? Our instinct is right sometimes, but we need to bring in wisdom when the situation calls for it. First thought is one of many thoughts. Wisdom is to pick the right thought.

But if a spider jumps on your arm, don’t wait for wisdom.

When out in nature, deep in a forest, we’re surrounding our senses with reality. My not-true thoughts, rules, norms, obligations, money, past, future, expectations, fears, stories, all disappear into the background. We’re faced with what’s real and distanced away from what’s not. They all disappear.

Go into nature regularly to gain distance and perspective, then come back into the constructed world to play.

Third part of the book is how useful no-true ideas can serve us.

Useful? Let’s define “useful” as whatever ultimately helps you do what you need to do, be who you want to be, or feel at peace. The word “ultimately” is there as a reminder of long-term consequences. …

There’s a balance here. A useful belief now might be hurtful in the future.

Useful not true ideas:

  • Beware of truth, use it carefully (my favorite chapter page 70)
    • Ask yourself why you want the truth. What do you plan to do with it? What’s the real outcome?
    • You might be better off with a not-true meaning that serves your current quest.
    • Most emotions can’t be persuaded with facts.
    • You can gather raw facts, but there are infinite facts, so you select and filter and interpret them. Like cotton plants or sheep’s wool, facts are processed before they’re used. Is that seeking the truth? Or just material for a story?
    • Maybe you’re making a big decision. You want to feel well-informed and certain. But that’s an emotional state unrelated to the facts. You’ll ignore a mountain of evidence if you hear one good story against it or just feel yourself leaning the other way. Most emotions can’t be persuaded.
    • You need to feel good about your choices. Emotion decides. Facts rationalize. You’ll find whatever truth is useful.
  • Curve into the target
    • When a belief or behavior is not serving your quest, correcting it might not be enough. You might need to over-correct in order to acheive what you want.
    • The overcorrected thought is most likely not-true, but it’s useful. Or fine tune it until it is useful.
    • Are you shy around new people? Assume the belief that you’re an extreme extrovert and you want to try and tone it down. How would you behave around new people? Maybe just say hi so you don’t overtake the discussion?
    • Bowling example. Aim left to hit center when aiming center is curving left.
  • Ideas and beliefs are tools. Choose them for the desired effect
    • Wrong question: which belief is true or right?
    • Right question: Which belief leads to the action I need now.
    • Beliefs create emotion. Emotion creates action. Choose a belief for the right action.
    • Run faster? Imagine lion behind you. Run motivated? Imagine pot of gold ahead. Run correctly? Imagine hot coals under your feet.
    • Make your own belief cocktail: You don’t need to decide which one is right. You can use one meaning to get you out of bed, and another to sleep well at night. Which meaning leads to the actions you need now?
    • Remeber Igor Stravinsky’s, time metaphor. He uses it to separate and combine different philosophies (perspectives).
  • True is the enemy of useful (Perfect is the enemy of good)
    • Choose ideas that serve you. Forget the messenger. They’re probably flawed or are batshit crazy politically. (don’t throw the baby with bathwater)
    • Examples of useful ways of thinking of things:
      • Are you more inspired to think you’ve arrived? Or you’re more excited to think that you have a long way to go?
      • Can people be trusted by default? Or everyone should be distrusted by default?
      • Do you like to think your life is shaped by destiny or by chance?
    • Which of the above and all other stories you choose to believe help you do what you need to do or be who you want to be or feel at peace? Use them.
    • Although these ideas and beliefs are not true, their effect on you is. Belief -> Emotion -> Action. Which means I must drop beliefs that don’t serve me anymore.
    • The perfect tool/belief/perspective is not useful. Use a pragmatic one. i.e. this reframe doesn’t solve all my problems well. It just solves this problem and only temporarily.

Always rember that meaning is coming from you. It’s your projection. It’s almost never true. Even obvious ones like a ceiling is to stop the rain. A ceiling is to provide shelter. These are your meanings. A ceiling is a ceiling. It has no meaning on its own. The meaning is internal not external. Choose the ones that serve you.

Beliefs exist to guide your actions. If you’re not acting in alignment with your beliefs, you’ve missed the point of beliefs.

Questions:

  • How do we test what are learning here? In tango, we have a milonga to test our skills and beliefs and points of view. Where can we test these re-wirings in here?

  1. As I’m writing those, I’m viscerally reacting to them because they’re imprinted in my psyche yet I know they’re not true. There are perspective that certain cultures imprinted in me. And I know this because I’ve lived in several cultures and each of these behaviors gets a different kind of reaction. From expectation to surprise. ↩